The weight of the world...

... is resting on my shoulders....

I'm probably exaggerating but currently that's what it feels like to me. I've made some drastic changes to my life late last year when I gave up FiFo and therefore a very high 6-figure salary, holidays and financial freedom to take on a 'normal' job with a 5-figure salary, limited holidays but the freedom to do whatever I want in my spare time. I'm now able to sleep in my own bed, in my own house nearly every night. I only work 40 hours a week which is nothing compared to the 84 hour week I had previously and I have weekends, public holidays and things like that. I can join weekly classes, make appointments 3 months in advance knowing I'm still going to be here and plan for years to come.

I can plant fruit and vegetables knowing I'm going to be home to tend to them, water them, harvest them and preserve the harvest. I can develop a routine which works for Mr S and I, plan meals and stockpiles and find ways of saving money which is a necessary as we now live on 1/5 of my previous income.

I'm happy with my choice. It's what I wanted for a very long time. I think the last time I was able to plan for the future knowing where I would be, was when I was still living at home, so over 20 years ago. Also I have wanted all of this, it isn't easy. It isn't easy knowing that your salary exactly covers your expenses and every unplanned expense means finding another way of saving that money somewhere else. It's not easy knowing that the next holiday I can freely choose is 2 years away. Since I prefer making my own, rather than buying, it isn't easy to 'just have some bread'. I gotta make it and because the style of bread I like, it takes 48 hours just to make a bread. It takes time to preserve 3 kg of tomatoes and 5 kg of apples which I bought on special for $1 each. It's not easy to buy a stockpile of meat and portion and freeze half a cow and half a pig in a day. It isn't easy to say "I will only give handmade gifts this year" and make sure everybody gets something they like, useful and up to my beginner's skill level.  It's not easy taking care of all of the finances and administration. And it definitely isn't easy to work full time, keep the house clean, cook every night, plan the meals, do the shopping, take care of the animals, take care of my husband, take care of my family and try to relax with some hobbies.

I always wonder why I find it so hard. I don't have kids, so I should have more time, I should be able to do more. Well, why don't I manage? I feel always exhausted and tired and feel like I'm running behind. Friday night I so look forward to the weekend only to wake up on Saturday morning thinking about my 'list' of things to do and already feeling behind before the day even started. My best friend manages a full time job, a business, her house, garden, a dog, a husband as well as her 4 children (all adults but 2 still living with her) and her family overseas. She's always on the go but she never seems tired or exhausted. Why can't I be like that?

Maybe I worry too much. I worry about my aging Grandparents in Germany. Their health isn't the best and they rely on other family members to support them. I worry about my Mum who's having some health issues as well lately and working in a for her physically demanding job, having to support her parents with chores they can no longer do themselves. i worry about other family members who prefer not to be mentioned here. I worry about my Aunty who has been sick for a year now and is now trying to go back to a job she enjoys doing also she's physically no longer able to do so. I worry about my Uncle who lost his job and suffering from burnout. I worry about Janus. And most of all I worry about my husband.

Never before have I worried about the 22 year age difference as much as I do now. Don't get me wrong, I love him. He's my Soulmate, the love of my life - despite his faults. Yes, I wish he would be a bit more attentive, I wish he would hug me without having to ask for one, I wish he would kiss me the way he kissed me 17 years ago. I wish he would tell me I look pretty or at least nice when I dress up for him when we go out. I wish he would tell me he loves me but I know he does. We're not ther lovers we used to be once, we're best friends. He can say all these things in front of me, he can't say in front of others and I can be me. That's all what matters.

We've been together for 17 years. I met Mr S when I was 24 and he was 46. For me it was love at first sight and I have never loved another man since. But I can see deterioration in him. And that worries me. Sometimes I don't know if it is laziness or what but he just doesn't seem to 'get' things anymore. Last week I asked him to seal the meat while I'm at work and then place it in the slowcooker and turn into onto 'low'. That was too much for him, I had to write it all down. I have asked him to cook a Bolognese sauce as it just tastes better when it has been cooked for a long time. But he can't remember how to cook it - and I know he wouldn't read a recipe if I'd give it to him. He can't remember things we discussed, he has shaky hands and he wakes up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep. He tires quickly when he does physical activity and he started having aches and pains. He's due for another medical check up but his last ones given him an excellent bill of health. Mr S is one year older than my Mum. In a few years time I will have to take care of both of them. And I don't mind at all but it worries me. I will have to do everything I do now plus more - house, garden, animals, finances, household, work, Mr S, my Mum, family...

I've seen changes in myself too. I'm constantly thinking, planning, doing. I used to be the best in my job and my job was tough and exhausting. I had to make a lot of decisions. And now? I don't have a tough job anymore but I can't even remember who I called yesterday to repair my windscreen. If I wouldn't write everything down, I wouldn't remember what I need to do. Every task feels 'too much', I don't have the energy anymore to do something more demanding. That isn't me! I'm not sure what it is. maybe I'm expecting too much of myself?

How do you deal with it all? Do you think I'm expecting too much of myself or should I pull my big girls pants up and get on with it?