Slimming down

Thank you all for your lovely messages and comments on my previous post. I guess listening to everybody's problems has made me a bit depressed and helpless. I can't help my family to overcome their problems, they have to do that themselves. I should just be there for them, listen to them and let them act and not feeling guilty that I can't make their problems go away. Because really nobody can.

So, I took a deep breath and assessed where I am. When I came back home in October last year after a year of travelling around Australia (everybody's dream, my nightmare), loosing my high paying job and loosing my beloved Hera, my loyal companion of nearly 17 years, I just wanted change, stability and routine. But it wasn't easy. The tenants left the house in a mess, the garden was a mess, I had a 'normal' job for the first time in over 7 years and it took some time to get used to it. And I had Janus, my new puppy by my side. So while I started work, puppy training, moving in, cleaning, gardening and creating a life, I overdid it and ended up with Pneumonia. For somebody like me who's never ever been really sick, it was a nightmare. I was on my own (well with a puppy but he was only there for my emotional health) and I've never felt so bad. I remember one night when I woke up coughing and vomiting blood again, I was laying on the toilet floor and couldn't get up. I was too exhausted. So I rested on the tiles of the bathroom floor with Janus by my side as I couldn't make it back into the bedroom. In the end I spent over 5 hours like this. Too weak to even take care of myself.

I never ever want to fell like that again! I asked too much of myself and I believe that's how I got sick. It was my body telling me to slow down. So, I reviewed my current situation:

• I love my husband. He sometimes annoys the hell out of me but I guess he will be annoyed with me too at times. We've been together for 17 years and he is the love of my life. I can count on him when I really have to and he does accept me just how I am - a strong (a often stubborn) independent woman.
• I love Janus! I love spending time with him, going hiking, training, doing dog sports... I really would love to invest a lot more time into him as we both would benefit. 
• I love my home!!! Every night I come home, I'm so excited to see my place. I love the house, the garden, what we made of the place and I know with all the work we're currently doing, we're making it easier for us which is good as we're both getting older. 
• I love my lifestyle. I'd like to have a bit more time to do EVERYTHING I want but sometimes I have to choose - craft or gardening or Janus or relaxing and doing nothing. I need to make sure I'm doing bits of everything during the week.
• Currently I'm happy with my job. It's a short commute, the people are caring, I'm good at what I do. Yes, I do find it a bit boring and the salary isn't great but we get by and for right now it's perfect.
• I love my family and my very few but very good friends. I will always be there for you, even if I can't help you!

So far so good hey? So what's not so good? 

• I'm trying to do too much. When I wake up Saturday morning and my list of things to do is so long that I'm already running behind despite it's not even 7 am yet, I'm doing it wrong. I will have to develop a better routine so I do have the time to do everything but not everything at once.
• I love cooking and baking and unfortunately I love eating just as much. I've lost 9 kg earlier this year and I managed to put 4 kg back on. I have sat down and identified my bad habits and am now working on eliminating those, loose these damn 4 kilos and then some.
• For the first 6 months of the year I have tracked my spending. I have budgeted and overspent and tweaked and now I'm at a point where I know exactly how much money I have and how much I can spend and for what. It's tight but I guess I have to get better at a few things and spend less or earn more.
• I want to be there for my family but I don't know what to do about their problems. It ways me down just as much as it does them. And it makes me feel guilty. Guilty that I'm so far away and not right there with them. Guilty that I'm happy and they're not.

So these are areas I need to slim down - tasks, eating, spending, family.

Now I just have to figure out how to do this...

The weight of the world...

... is resting on my shoulders....

I'm probably exaggerating but currently that's what it feels like to me. I've made some drastic changes to my life late last year when I gave up FiFo and therefore a very high 6-figure salary, holidays and financial freedom to take on a 'normal' job with a 5-figure salary, limited holidays but the freedom to do whatever I want in my spare time. I'm now able to sleep in my own bed, in my own house nearly every night. I only work 40 hours a week which is nothing compared to the 84 hour week I had previously and I have weekends, public holidays and things like that. I can join weekly classes, make appointments 3 months in advance knowing I'm still going to be here and plan for years to come.

I can plant fruit and vegetables knowing I'm going to be home to tend to them, water them, harvest them and preserve the harvest. I can develop a routine which works for Mr S and I, plan meals and stockpiles and find ways of saving money which is a necessary as we now live on 1/5 of my previous income.

I'm happy with my choice. It's what I wanted for a very long time. I think the last time I was able to plan for the future knowing where I would be, was when I was still living at home, so over 20 years ago. Also I have wanted all of this, it isn't easy. It isn't easy knowing that your salary exactly covers your expenses and every unplanned expense means finding another way of saving that money somewhere else. It's not easy knowing that the next holiday I can freely choose is 2 years away. Since I prefer making my own, rather than buying, it isn't easy to 'just have some bread'. I gotta make it and because the style of bread I like, it takes 48 hours just to make a bread. It takes time to preserve 3 kg of tomatoes and 5 kg of apples which I bought on special for $1 each. It's not easy to buy a stockpile of meat and portion and freeze half a cow and half a pig in a day. It isn't easy to say "I will only give handmade gifts this year" and make sure everybody gets something they like, useful and up to my beginner's skill level.  It's not easy taking care of all of the finances and administration. And it definitely isn't easy to work full time, keep the house clean, cook every night, plan the meals, do the shopping, take care of the animals, take care of my husband, take care of my family and try to relax with some hobbies.

I always wonder why I find it so hard. I don't have kids, so I should have more time, I should be able to do more. Well, why don't I manage? I feel always exhausted and tired and feel like I'm running behind. Friday night I so look forward to the weekend only to wake up on Saturday morning thinking about my 'list' of things to do and already feeling behind before the day even started. My best friend manages a full time job, a business, her house, garden, a dog, a husband as well as her 4 children (all adults but 2 still living with her) and her family overseas. She's always on the go but she never seems tired or exhausted. Why can't I be like that?

Maybe I worry too much. I worry about my aging Grandparents in Germany. Their health isn't the best and they rely on other family members to support them. I worry about my Mum who's having some health issues as well lately and working in a for her physically demanding job, having to support her parents with chores they can no longer do themselves. i worry about other family members who prefer not to be mentioned here. I worry about my Aunty who has been sick for a year now and is now trying to go back to a job she enjoys doing also she's physically no longer able to do so. I worry about my Uncle who lost his job and suffering from burnout. I worry about Janus. And most of all I worry about my husband.

Never before have I worried about the 22 year age difference as much as I do now. Don't get me wrong, I love him. He's my Soulmate, the love of my life - despite his faults. Yes, I wish he would be a bit more attentive, I wish he would hug me without having to ask for one, I wish he would kiss me the way he kissed me 17 years ago. I wish he would tell me I look pretty or at least nice when I dress up for him when we go out. I wish he would tell me he loves me but I know he does. We're not ther lovers we used to be once, we're best friends. He can say all these things in front of me, he can't say in front of others and I can be me. That's all what matters.

We've been together for 17 years. I met Mr S when I was 24 and he was 46. For me it was love at first sight and I have never loved another man since. But I can see deterioration in him. And that worries me. Sometimes I don't know if it is laziness or what but he just doesn't seem to 'get' things anymore. Last week I asked him to seal the meat while I'm at work and then place it in the slowcooker and turn into onto 'low'. That was too much for him, I had to write it all down. I have asked him to cook a Bolognese sauce as it just tastes better when it has been cooked for a long time. But he can't remember how to cook it - and I know he wouldn't read a recipe if I'd give it to him. He can't remember things we discussed, he has shaky hands and he wakes up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep. He tires quickly when he does physical activity and he started having aches and pains. He's due for another medical check up but his last ones given him an excellent bill of health. Mr S is one year older than my Mum. In a few years time I will have to take care of both of them. And I don't mind at all but it worries me. I will have to do everything I do now plus more - house, garden, animals, finances, household, work, Mr S, my Mum, family...

I've seen changes in myself too. I'm constantly thinking, planning, doing. I used to be the best in my job and my job was tough and exhausting. I had to make a lot of decisions. And now? I don't have a tough job anymore but I can't even remember who I called yesterday to repair my windscreen. If I wouldn't write everything down, I wouldn't remember what I need to do. Every task feels 'too much', I don't have the energy anymore to do something more demanding. That isn't me! I'm not sure what it is. maybe I'm expecting too much of myself?

How do you deal with it all? Do you think I'm expecting too much of myself or should I pull my big girls pants up and get on with it?

Winter Harvest and CQ Eat Street Market

There is so much to do in the garden at this time of the year! I harvested lots of Galangal for some nice Asian dishes and re-planting.

My first Chia is growing well as well. I guess there will be lots of seeds - for the chooks as a protein source and for my muesli.

Garlic, Nasturium and Waltham Butternut Pumpkins keep growing nicely.

I harvested 3 Queensland Blue pumpkins. They store extremely well. these little buggers weigh over 15 kg together, hence the wheelbarrow.

I harvested some onions and made pickled onions - perfect for our platters.

But it's not just gardening. It's the end of the financial year and school holiday which means I was extremely busy at work. So Mr S and I went out on Sunday afternoon - to the CQ Eat Street Markets.We were there nice and early as we both hate crowds. We had a nice hot breakfast and were hanging out for this feast.

After having a look around we settled at the bar and had a couple of drinks and tried to decide what we were going to to try.

Lots of tables and chairs set up for the crowds.

Since Rocky is a country town, we have a nice set-up for the visitors - haystacks...

While the sun is going down, we're enjoying our Mocktails....

... and the beautiful lights.

As an entree we had spring rolls and chicken satay. The main was Salt & Pepper Calamari from the Calamari Hut - even Mr S approved and he's very picky with his Calamari...

That was our dessert to share - yummy and a bit of everything: chocolate cake, caramel fudge, cream, icecream and strawberries. What can go wrong with this combo?

The atmosphere was really nice. It was a cool night and a fire would have been nice.

But as nice as it was, we decided to head home as it was starting to fill up and we were too.

I made a pumpkin bread out of my pumpkin. It actually is really nice and juicy. I will make it again.

This is my new Hibiscus. I fell in love with the colours, so now it's planted near my veggies and will attract beneficial inspects for pollination.

Mr S is designing our new seating area. I had a glass of wine there the other night. It's really serene and I love the view.

Since everything is growing so well, this is my lunch - freshly picked from the garden. Yum!

That was another beautiful week. I talk to you all soon.